Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
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A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
Asked my coworker what’s wrong & he said “I’m tired of faking that I like you guys” & honestly? Mood.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Anyone else think it’s weird how cancer kills more people than any other astrological sign
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one