Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
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I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
okay run it by me one more time
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.