Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”

[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]

TSA agent: Good evening sir

Me: Nothing

Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.

Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”

I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.

By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”

Therapist: Do you have a support system?

Me: I have a lumbar pillow.

Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?

Me: I have a lumbar pillow.

I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.

I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.

What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?

Still my favorite television listing of all time:

In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate

Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4  kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away

Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long

Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long

Me: *standing on the subway platform*

Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”

Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”

I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!

[family picnic]

ME: *flipping brats on the grill*

WIFE: have you seen the kids

black friday used to have heart. i wanna see someone get clocked for a wii

“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”

Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*

Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.

Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.

I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter

You guys know your secrets are safe with me. It’s the people I share them with you can’t trust.

11,780 cans of beans on the wall…

Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.

*15 seconds into makeup application*

I’m bored. This is good enough.

*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*

You looked a little sickly.

Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remaining

Laptop after 20mins

take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.