why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
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Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet “good morning” text
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
There’s a mirror on marketplace and the listing says “never used” like what do you mean???
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”