Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.

venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason

A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.

Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio

I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.

I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done

Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.

[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts

Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.

“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats

Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually

All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.

My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.

DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch

*tries to be less adorable*

*fails*

Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*

the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit

Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.

My text: Have a good day at school!

My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.

waiter: can i show you to the table

me: sure

waiter: here he is

table: [unimpressed noises]

I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.

If you ban teenagers from social media who are our hardworking podcasters going to dm?

One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.

Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent

It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.

I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.

But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.

my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?

Me: How was school?

5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders

Me: what did you need to be reminded about?

5:

Me:

5: You don’t need to worry about that

If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?

“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”

When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.