Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?

Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.

[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free

If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.

*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*

If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.

The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science

Sorted

I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.

we all know this pain all too well

when she block me on everything

The people have spoken – if the 20th Anniversary Edition of Back to Bedlam is Number 1 next Friday, my new name will legally be…

*couple walking through the house they just bought*

Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!

Wife: Really?

H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.

*later*

Friend: Is there an attic?

Husband: No.

Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.

ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk

WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours

They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”

Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical

I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem

dumbledore: you know what this spot needs

hogwarts gardener: rose bu-

dimbledore: a tree that kills students

hogwarts gardener: what

dumbledore: plant the death tree

*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*

Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup

Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout

I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.

Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.

Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.

SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*

My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool

Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness

Astronomer: Hello

If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.

As a kid: the floor is lava

As a parent: the floor is Lego™️