Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*walks into a nuclear power plant

Do you serve fission chips?

I’ll see myself out..

I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.

“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok

I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness

One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.

I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.

milne: it’s stuffed animals, but they’re so f**king dumb

publisher: what?

milne: the tiger can’t spell

publisher: no

milne: the bear won’t wear pants

publisher: *getting up* this is terrible

milne: there’s a depressed donkey

publisher: *sitting back down* …how depressed?

5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.

Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child

mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this

Persuading my cat to go outside in the cold is a bit like when I had to encourage my daughter to go down the slide when she was 5.

Go on.
You can do it.
Brave girl.
GO ON.

Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee

10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?

Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]

My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?

Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.

My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along

It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water

I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”

If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or

Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.

Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.

I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.

I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.

I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.

If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.

I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it

whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him

[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]

If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van

breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!