Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
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Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
you’ll be having a good day and then someone your age says they’re buying a house
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
imagine being one of those monkeys climbing a tree after living in a cage, bet it blew their little monkey minds
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda