Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
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To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
Put a ring on it
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?