I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
Why are so many people replying to my tweets with questions?
It’s a tweet, don’t worry there’s no pop quiz at the end.
You Might Also Like
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
Do I at least get to yell “Jenga!” if my life falls apart?
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
9 just turned the toaster all the way up and basically made charcoal for breakfast, so I’m ordering new furniture with his college fund.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
If you’re feeling sorry for yourself for having to homeschool, spare a thought for your kids.
You’re now their prom date!
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?