@turtledumplin

Why are so many people replying to my tweets with questions?

It’s a tweet, don’t worry there’s no pop quiz at the end.

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@Parkerlawyer

I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.

I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.

@aedison

DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.

@ArfMeasures

PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face

COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect

@thegingercorn

9 just turned the toaster all the way up and basically made charcoal for breakfast, so I’m ordering new furniture with his college fund.

@WilliamAder

Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.

@Brentweets

Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.

@Breadery

I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.

@StewieTea2

If you’re feeling sorry for yourself for having to homeschool, spare a thought for your kids.

You’re now their prom date!

@DrakeGatsby

Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?