Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
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For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her