Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
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how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
I am not a strong enough person to listen to my parents eat cereal
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.