Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…

Me: what a great place to bury a body!

It should cost money to watch me bend over to pick something up off the floor

Thinking about when I got to the hospital to give birth and the doctor asked when the contractions started and I said “11:48” and he laughed and said “Wow, so specific. 11:48 and how many seconds?” and I’m just saying that man is lucky to be alive.

I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them

[at the store]

Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?

Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.

Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.

(For Judy in Accounting)

I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.

Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying

Guy: No it wasn’t me

Me: Impressive

a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it

Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*

Me: My eyes are up here.

I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…

I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.

I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…

Gemma Correll

Christmas combines two things I love the most, getting fat and lying to children.

*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*

6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.

Me: I don’t like your tone.

6: What does “tone” mean?

Me: I don’t like your voice.

6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.

To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later

I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.

me: we have developed a fear of boy bands

wife: at the same time

therapist: in sync?

together: *screams*

student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.

I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?

Wife: What are you doing today?

Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter

W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???

M: Nah he can’t read

therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar

“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.

I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.

Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.

of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare

[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?

I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit