Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
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I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
who can I pay to hit me in the head with a baseball bat so I go into a coma for exactly 2 weeks and one day
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Want to feel old?
This is what Kevin McCallister looks like now.
