Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs

Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies

Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular

The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.

Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.

reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke

Mornin

HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.

ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?

5yo: What happens when we die?

Me: People fight over your stuff

Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”

Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”

Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.

Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*

Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.

Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.

The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.

I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.

It has been 3 years since Monday.

Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.

What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*

I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting

12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!

12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider

12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude

[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!

If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.

I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.

Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible

Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?

Date: *biting lip* oh yea

I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.

How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?

Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.

I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids

Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.

I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date