Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
You Might Also Like
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
new year update: losing everything but weight
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.