Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
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Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
She was REALLY feeling it.
When someone trying to leave me
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
Once I was boating with my sons on a river and a guy on a kayak kept talking to me.
He asked my youngest, 15 then, “What would you think if I took your mom to Longhorn Steakhouse tonight?” and my son said, “I’d think you’re a cheap motherfucker,” hit the throttle and sped off.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
[bedtime]
daughter: dad, i’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while i’m sleeping
me: don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first
daughter: …
me: night, sweetheart
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
I sing this with my entire soul to anyone within earshot. I truly believe, in my heart of hearts, that anything that is broken can always be mended.
-The inventor of duct tape, probably
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.