Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
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Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
Straight people are cancelled
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Stop
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
Hello Twits.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs