Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
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Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
So many people to disappoint, so little time
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.