Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
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Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
“Are the cops gone?”
“Yeah.”
“Thanks buddy, I owe you one.”
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews