Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
You Might Also Like
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
constantly working on myself.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.