Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
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how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
So inspired right now.
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.