Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?

What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.

“Only God can judge me”

People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.

°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me

“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”

Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.

[math class]

ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?

FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?

ME: Uhh-

FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.

ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.

Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?

I’m often mistaken for an adult because of my age

This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.

After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.

911: what’s your emergency

me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.

911: what’s his location?

me: he’s 3 doors down

Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*

Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*

If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.

Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and death

Me: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.

HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING

*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?

For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.

I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding

*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*

fava beans
a nice chianti
dave

Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.

In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.

Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist

“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”

– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.

brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys

When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.

It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,

[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants

I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now

Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.