Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
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*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
I’m too immature for adultery.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
my 10 year old son is about to start trombone lessons this year at school.
his band teacher’s intro email has me howling!
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
I am now afraid to click on any celebrity name trending it just keeps getting worse and worse
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
She argues in Italian
She sings to you in French
She yells at you in German
In tones that make you clench
The girl is complicated
And very hard to please
When you disappoint her
She
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Shaking random people on the street shouting ARE YOU THE SHY SISTER is the 2024 cinderella
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s.What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.