Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?

If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.

Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty

Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.

Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*

Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks

Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks

I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.

The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky

As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.

[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger

Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.

Then I remembered pineapple .

me: how much for the wireless mouse?

pet store employee: that’s a hamster

Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk

My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment

It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk

Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.

My boss: you seem distracted today…

Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.

Destined to be a firefighter from birth.

Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.

My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.

I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”

I only sing in the car when it’s in reverse. I’m a backup singer

Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.

Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.

Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.

[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us

I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this

I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.

Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.

Email: You are invited to a virtual—

Me: Nope.

When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.