Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
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Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U