Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.

Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.

*Gets dressed.

No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.

In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.

My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school

doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection

me: are there any steps I can take

doctor: not after I’m done

“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.

[slowly removing special glasses]

Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing

Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here

GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.

i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”

BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”

I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks

Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.

Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.

How I’d get arrested…

If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.

Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.

Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?

“I hope to find you well.”

I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.

If you love someone set them free? Girl, I can’t even get rid of the 257 plastic bags under my sink.

Got kicked out of the gang for taking instant photos of the homies and calling them brolaroids

I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.

I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub

Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries

6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?

Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?

6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.

whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing

Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.

Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.

“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.

“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”

I’m definitely a ten

…tative 4