Why are the produce aisles empty but the booze aisles fully stocked? I guess I’m in luck!
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I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
“i’m a top” “i’m a bottom” okay well I’M gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
3: I wuv you Mommy.
Me: I love you too!
3: Don’t talk to me.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
This forever.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”