Why are the produce aisles empty but the booze aisles fully stocked? I guess I’m in luck!
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Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Gas station lines at 2 am:
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
If you work at a library and a barber shop you’re a barbarian
Told my mother-in-law I liked her shirt and four days later she gave it to me, so now I’m thinking I’ll compliment her pearl necklace set and see what happens.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
Im going to bed. I want this place cleaned up by morning
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
So wait, witch. You’re telling me I should only drive a stick?
OK Broomer
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
