Why are the produce aisles empty but the booze aisles fully stocked? I guess I’m in luck!
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I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
me: i had an accident
insurance agent: sir, we don’t insure pants
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
Thanked a rival dad at the neighborhood chili cook off for making his mild so my kids could have some.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you