Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist

If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.

Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.

to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath

why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?

A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.

If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.

“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”

have y’all tried calories? they’re so gooood

Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.

I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes,  I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”

Why there is always a kid crying when I go to the store? Dude. You aren’t the one paying for groceries. Stop.

me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?

him: is it leftovers again?

me: it’s leftovers again.

Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’

Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’

*tucks napkin into my shirt*

This meal could get messy.

I’m an asshole.

Sent from my Apple Watch

I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.

I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.

I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.

How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted

The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.

*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*

the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now

Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*

This is a terrible time for kidnappers.

Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:

1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?

Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!

Me: *changes the WiFi password*

“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.

Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.