Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
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having a therapist is so funny like this is my emotional support 26 year old white girl with a masters degree
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Don’t compare yourself with others. Everyone is better than you.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
The mayor of Toronto wants us to return to in-person work to help cut down on crime in the city but unless most of us are employed as Batman I’m not sure the plan will unfold as she expects