Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
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North and South
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
🤣
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
Camel dough
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?