Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
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Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
Meow
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
When I get mad at my wife I don’t yell or stop doing chores or anything like that.
I log on to her YouTube channel and watch car repair and golf videos.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.