Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?

Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language

Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*

Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and death

Me: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.

Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?

My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.

Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.

Friend: Wanna go out tonight?

Me: You know the rule, man. I need to be notified at least 3 months in advance.

You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.

You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.

I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.

Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.

excuse me

* has cake for breakfast

* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber

* blames running shoes

Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.

I’d hire this kid in 10 years.

The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.

Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.

The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history

[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”

Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think

Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.

Relationships are easy as pie!

*burns pie*

So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.

My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.

“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”

“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”

[DUI checkpoint]

Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger

Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff

I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.

If they are stale enough you could easily kill two birds with one scone

went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time

My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.