Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
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A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
Googling “best laundry hampers 2024” like I’m trying to keep current with the technology
My dog after a walk in the woods.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Me: If only we lived in a just world where everyone got what they deserved.
Friend: Including you?
Me: Actually, scratch that idea.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral