why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
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All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
Realizing that someone else will be in charge of this shitshow is really a selling point for demon possession
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
From Facebook just now…
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.