why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
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In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
I made my wife sign a prenup because there was no way I was going to let her take half of my golden girls memorabilia collection.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Me: Please stop responding like Siri, it’s starting to creep me out.
Husband: On it!
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
friend: promise you didn’t get me a beeper
me: [from a distance] just open it
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
A couple walks toward me with their dog, a Briard. Of course they want me to ask about the dog. I pretend I don’t speak English.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
good let them take over I have had enough
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
I am yelling
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]