Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[zombie apocalypse]

SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it

ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead

Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.

I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club

Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.

If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile

Finished stitching this today 😇

Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”

ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no

Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?

Therapist: let go of my collar

My 9yo on Shark Tank:

“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”

[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish

My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime

[In the White House war room]

Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.

I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.

Send bail money.

7: Are monsters real Mommy?

Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.

ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.

this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket

Get better soon! (I know you’re not sick, I just think you can do better)

I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”

What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?

What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?

[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK

Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)

my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”

*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”

I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.

No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.

You are a psycho with mascara.

Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world

Ash: i’m a kid

Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you

Ash: that sounds dangerous

Oak: keep it caged in a ball

Ash: kinda harsh

Oak: catch’em all

Ash: you okay bro

Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS

#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.

[Disney Pitch Meeting]

Writer: So kids love puppies

Exec: Haha true

Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them

Exec: First off, it’s perfect