why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
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On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
When the ‘calling about your car crash in the last five years’ scammers phone I try and keep them on the line as long as possible. One time, bored on my commute, I set a record of 26 mins 22 seconds. My life’s work will be to try and beat that.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
lmaaaaaooooooooo
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
I swatted at a bee today and my daughter called me a buzzkill.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
Like your own tweets baby, no one will know anyway.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”