why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
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Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
When it comes to depression, sighs matters
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
A Match(.com), but for socks.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.