why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
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thinking about my old neighbor that named their WiFi “your arms too short to box with god” and my other neighbor that named their WiFi “super long god boxing arms”
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
why we do always assume Pat is short for Patrick when it could also be short for Patatouille
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
#ParentingFacts
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes