Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.

indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure

idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again

This gonna be me in 2 weeks

Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?

Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?

Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20

Her: they’re probably phoney

Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones

Women have all the answers to all your questions.

And you don’t even have to ask.

A classic spooky scribbles now in color 🧙‍♀️

smokey robinson: tears of a clown

witch: where did you get this recipe

Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.

When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.

me other days of the year: amazon is evil

me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??

I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.

A roomba that swears every time it hits something.

Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish

Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT

I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.

Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.

evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.

So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.

Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat

The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.

I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes

A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.

And you’ve got two faces.

If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.

[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE

Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.

*at least it’s a short knife.

Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything

If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.

Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?

Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.

*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*

Mondays, amirite?

Breaking: Nate Silver Predicts That If the Election Were Held Today, It Would Most Likely Be Due to Some Kind of Serious Administrative Error