Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment

not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it

“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”

My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?

Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.

If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.

Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.

Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!

If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.

I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.

A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah

[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”

My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is

My dad asked my mom for an experience instead of a gift for his birthday so she booked him a colonoscopy

me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real

humpty dumpty: watch me

[several minutes later]

me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault

I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park

being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen

All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”

The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.

My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.

you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.

Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?

walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?

me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR

That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention

Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.

By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.

I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.

[bean naming]

Angel: okay, this one?

God: it’s black, so black bean

A: and this?

G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!

A: k, and this one?

G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!

A: … dude, you alright?

Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.