Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Spelling bee]

Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.

Me: “I-N-V-U-“

Judge: I am pretty awesome.

Where’s my cell?

“Right there.”

That’s not my phone.

“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”

My cell’s white?

Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.

You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.

*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*

Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.

Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first

Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.

When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.

Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.

BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES

I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.

I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings

You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.

-Disney

Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.

Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.

Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.

technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting

Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.

FBI: oops wrong one

[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)

ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane

My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.

changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities

Merry Christmas

Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.

I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot

*falls on hard times*

Hard times: Get off me.

Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?

If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.

I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.

Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.

my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry