Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.

crochet youtube is brutal

TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.

you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.

I’ll only give a restaurant a 5 star review if the couple at the next table are breaking up.

My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes

If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.

my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk

#ProTip

[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE

I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.

My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’

Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami

Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.

Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.

Husband: Where are you going?

Me: I have to run a quick errand.

Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?

Me: Maybe.

Husband: Let me grab my wallet.

how do i get recruited by a cult i need some direction in my life

My phone just filmed a 2 hour documentary about life inside my purse

Me: That’s pretty sus

12yo: Never say that again

Me: Why?

12yo: It sounded weird when you said it

Me:

12yo:

Me: Your rules are sus

My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”

Top 5 forms of torture

5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro

All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.

Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:

Dad: Who are you routing for?

Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.

He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk

I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.

I’m a psycho, grandma.

80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”

Australia has an election this year. Wanna talk about it all day, every day, and make it our entire personality?

I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.

how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames