Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
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umm…
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: I was raised in a working-class family…
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Sure sex is great, but have you found an awesome clean washroom when you desperately had to pee?