Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?

If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet

Right next to the beer fridge

I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue

My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:

– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pens

What year does he live in??

motivation

The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.

I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25

Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:

1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium

“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”

– if people were named like pets

According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”

A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.

Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.

Team leader: This is a do or die situation.

Me: It absolutely is not.

I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”

Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.

Me: Damn you hate our house that much?

Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person

Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?

Hubs: Yes!!

SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1

Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?

Me: No, absolutely not.

SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2

Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?

Me: After you eat your real breakfast.

SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3

Kid: What’s for breakfast?

Me: Popsicles.

god!! did anyone stop by your house and drop off your award for having that opinion earlier than most people?

Obvious red flags:

*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind

*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows

*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer

I have the attention of a goldfish.

Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.

I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.

Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous

Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve

If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.

Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!

waiter: any allergies i should know about?

me: uh, peanuts?

waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.

*gains winter weight for “insulation”

*is now fat and cold

quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.

People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.

Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.

on da cob, we all corn