Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking

“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”

-the new GPS app from Allrecipes

NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*

Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.

Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.

Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough

*through a mouthful of Nutella*

Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.

The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.

😞

*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes

My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close

Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here

Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad

Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself

I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child

*kids fighting over something*

Me: This is the season of giving and sharing. Be nice and share with each other.

Husband: Honey, are there any more Reese’s Christmas Trees left?

Me: *hiding the last package* No, sorry, they’re all gone.

Okay, he’s ricocheted off a few buildings, but he seems fine now.

[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekend

ME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk

Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.

Jason: Honey?

Wife: Mmmm?

Jason: Where is my hockey mask?

W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete

J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors

It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?

“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs

Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.

Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.

[Chevy commercial]

“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”

Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded

Woman: I feared for my life the entire time

Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.

Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”

[first day as a bartender]

* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *

Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?

-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper

*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here

The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.

You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.