Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
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“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
Not being able to see likes on comments is a tragedy. Love it when two people are arguing and you can see all their little backup dancers
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Imagine people magazine putting you in their sexiest man alive issue and everybody response is no….. omg
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
omg leave her alone
I really miss my family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
just great. my first shift as a secret service agent and i overslept :/ hopefully nothing bad happened
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Are we still doing “hot girl summer”, cause I’m really trying to make “raccoon girl summer” happen
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.