Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
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I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
Cashier: *repeatedly scanning item without price coming up
Me: *sweating
(internally) don’t say it, don’t say it…MUST BE FREE!
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
kermit the frog is more iconic than mickey mouse bc if u heard someone was named mickey u’d just be like ok sure . but if someone said their name was kermit u would be like huh ????? like the frog ?????????
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
next question.
