Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.

i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert

I am not a people person. I am a person person. One (1) of you mfers at a time and even that is pushing it.

*controversially pours a glass of milk*

How we blocked people in the 90s 😄

I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.

When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.

I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in

If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales

Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”

Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older

BABY GOT BACKYARD

Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor

He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets

*eats 14th Oreo cookie*

me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad

wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE

baking when u live alone is like ok i had my fun now what do i do with 28 cookies

The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.

have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job

interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate

me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?

interviewer: wrong popeyes

me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?

My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”

You take the oxy out of oxymoron

i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.

I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.

[airline check-in]

SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light

PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that

cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????

I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace

WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China

ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.

I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.

Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?

The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.