Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Here’s a step by step guide to staircases

*gives you a handrail*

me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?

her: sure!

[later]

her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be

me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean

Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:

Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.

Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?

That’s easy for you to say

the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems

“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.

“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*

If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.

[Outside court]

Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?

: Odd

“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”

Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?

Carl: So hot today.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.

Me: Fair enough.

Has anyone thought of putting together a montage of celebrities singing Imagine to help get us through these economically challenging times

“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”

Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”

Is Mercury still in the microwave?

I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.

Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?

Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?

*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?

I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.

– Dogs

Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die

Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy

I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.

The opposite of goth is stopth.

Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.

Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.

*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*

Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM

[First Date]

Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?

Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives

W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours

“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”

*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in this

Nurse: you’re not a patient here

Dear Abby,

I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.

Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear

Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes