Why are there no bring your friend to work days so that they can see you have a serious job and do serious things for a living
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Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
This is setting unrealistic beauty standards for men. We can’t all kill someone
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”