Why are there no bring your friend to work days so that they can see you have a serious job and do serious things for a living
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Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
The documentary My Octopus Teacher will not be shown tonight due to tentacle difficulties.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
me linking you to my twitter
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
Best spoiler warning ever