Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
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I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
Easy ladies. The bulge in my sweat pants is just a sleeve of emergency cookies.
Those are good neighbors.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
Why is it that every time I set foot in a post office with any sense of urgency at all there’s a guy directly in front of me trying to mail an aardvark to his cousin in Peru or some shit? Never fails.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
Goat cheese is for herders.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
You can basically pressure anyone to do something by publicly saying: On the count of three! One, two-
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
