Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.

World: What’s the date?

America: Well first and most importantly it’s June

I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.

I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.

The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room

I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.

Oh, so you’re a human?

name three pictures with traffic lights in them

[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]

[me to the fridge] you had one job

My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.

You don’t serve tuna do you?

“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”

*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*

Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.

I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.

Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?

I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited

Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.

NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*

ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?

PRODUCER: You mean a choir?

ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?

If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks

Judas is buying everyone shots.

Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him

Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh

a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer

In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.

Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.

Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.

The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day

Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.

[Ferrari dealership]

ME: How much for this red one?

SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny

ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*

SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!

‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’

The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.

Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.