Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*dancing with the stars*

*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*

me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!

*star wars*

Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!

Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!

My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!

[notice son’s not home]

[text]

Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!

17: You were my ride.

Me: Oh. Where are you again?

10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.

Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.

Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.

Lost my job as a bus driver.

One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.

“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game

Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees

When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you

Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”

Me: *Goes home*

“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”

When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch

Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake

ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t

[invasion]

*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?

Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.

*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*

Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —

Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?

“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.

You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle

If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.

I know this now.

my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards

Not only do I turn down my radio to find a house or a parking spot, but I also take off my sunglasses to hear someone better.

“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game

When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!

Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.

“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”

Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.

My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.