@Wames_Jaters

Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!

#hooters

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@EndhooS

[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…

@OrangeFact

ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner

ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive

@LurkAtHomeMom

Me: *grabs a donut from conference room* Incredible powerpoint, Greg

“Excuse me ma’am, do you work here?”

Me: *grabs another donut & runs*

@ginzyj1983

People who automatically say it will get better

without actually knowing what the problem is…

is why there are bodies buried in my yard

@Swishergirl24

Ugh, I am swamped at work today.

*stares at puppies on the Internet for 3 hours

@PuncherJetpack

I’ve been stealing retainers and throwing them in a swamp so that in 1000 or so year archeologists think it’s an ancient nerd burial ground

@ArfMeasures

Doctor: I have your test results

Me: did I pass hahaha

Doctor: hahaha you will soon

Me: haha what

@sexncake

I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.