[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
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ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
Me: *grabs a donut from conference room* Incredible powerpoint, Greg
“Excuse me ma’am, do you work here?”
Me: *grabs another donut & runs*
People who automatically say it will get better
without actually knowing what the problem is…
is why there are bodies buried in my yard
Ugh, I am swamped at work today.
*stares at puppies on the Internet for 3 hours
I’ve been stealing retainers and throwing them in a swamp so that in 1000 or so year archeologists think it’s an ancient nerd burial ground
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
super romantic virus
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.