Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
You Might Also Like
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
liiiiiiiiike
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE