Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
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We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
How dare Beyonce bring symbols of past racial strife into popular music performance!!
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
I need professional help. A chef and a butler should do it.