Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.

Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge

My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.

Me: …Dad, this is a card game.

me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant

friend: hi dave

dave: brilliant

[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.

So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options

him: what are you thinking about rn

me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack

I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.

I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.

I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.

The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex

ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.

This is why I hate group projects

7-year-old: Can we leave the house?

Me: We could go for a walk.

7: And then what?

Me: Come back to the house.

7: I’ll just stay here.

I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?

Wife: We’re going to have a baby!

Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?

Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human

Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place

So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?

Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber

the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks

I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint

-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume

I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back

Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.

Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.

Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.

Frankenstein?

GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards

Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious

Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.

[On a Ferris wheel]

Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!

Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!

Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats