Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:

If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain

Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use

if you have never had a true email job, you might think – “it’s an email job, surely that means everyone at least checks their email and replies somewhat promptly when needed” but you would be stunned, stunned I say, to find the truth

Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option

When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.

Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work

‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.

I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?

16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’

Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’

You: Help! I’ve been shot!

Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.

The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.

me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]

10: this is nice dad

me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.

10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?

me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]

[Court]

ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?

BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah

ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*

Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.

5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”

“It’s a moving truck.”

“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”

Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?

My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.

How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons

If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.

The next James Bond should be played by a duck. But not a female duck, obviously. That would be unrealistic.

The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”

Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.

Doctor: Please step on the scale

Me: No weigh

Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.

Husband: But the seal is right th….

Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!

I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.

It was a twerk-place injury.

“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”

Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword

Me: *sweating*

My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*

i walked into a parisian bakery and said “bonjour. deux croissants s’il vous plaît” in absolutely, impeccably perfect french and the lady behind the counter still hit me with that “okay and what else”

3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?

Friends are like snowflakes.

If you pee on them they disappear.