Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to Netflix. We have every movie but the one you actually want to watch.

Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?

*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!

“no gods no masters” = leo

GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.

ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.

people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper

The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.

Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..

That’s how the fight started

Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?

Him: Definitely! My place or yours?

Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11

One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves

My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.

I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours

When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.

The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.

I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them

Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.

If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.

Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?

5: because I’m 5

Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?

[first date]

Her: I love cats

Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*

Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?

behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”

genie: you have three wishes

me: nightvision goggles

genie: dope

me: the only pair on the planet

genie: many people will be affected

me: now kill the sun

genie: dude

Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.

I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.

Sorry I made promises on Friday

Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.

I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.

My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.

TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better

Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.