Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at a movie theater]

Cashier: Can I help u?

Me: One large cornpop please

C: Sir it’s the other way around

Me: Ok- can I help u?

How do you like your Corgi?

“Avocado Kedavra”

-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole

Because it is Friday I will allow one beautiful woman to purchase me a glass of milk

me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel

also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti

Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.

Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.

Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.

imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.

When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.

Shhh!
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Shhh!

-Librarians arguing

I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.

there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again

Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”

*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*

The CDC should absolutely have a prison

*finds a sock behind the washing machine*

*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*

Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.

My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.

He didn’t actually want anything.

I know! Incredible!

Oh and then I fainted.

im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s

the skeleton manning the ship inside of my brain is trying to push my brain out of my head and replace it with a rock. i might let him

“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before

An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.

🙀🙀🙀😹

At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.

[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?

-gestures to everything in the Garage-

Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!

Wife- YOU’RE a tool

Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?

Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them

I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.

And to their wives. And their local fire departments.

CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love

HADDAWAY: shit

My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?