Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
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date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
is this how new cars are made??
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
My wife got mad at me because I got fast food without asking her if she wanted anything, so she used her flat iron to turn my curly fries into regular fries.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME