Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.

Most people quit when their ahead

Then there’s me

Hi

My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.

omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc

Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself

[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?

I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”

A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.

if I can survive this, I can survive anything

While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.

“get a dog” they said

“it’ll be fun” they said

yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard

cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees

I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.

Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle

Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.

Accidentally asking a complete stranger what they fancy for dinner, as your partner’s quietly wandered off to a different part of the supermarket

*turns on alarm*

Alarm: I have a headache

Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.

7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?

Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.

After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.

“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”

Google: “No. That’s stupid.”

Burning witches at the stake is so 1692. Nowadays folks use a microwave coven.

Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.

I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.

I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.

I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is

you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise

After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?