Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal

I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”

When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”

I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.

sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder

A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.

[Exit interview]

HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?

GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:

I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.

My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool

Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.

8: I wish you could homeschool me

Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-

8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.

Me: Ah look, the bus.

When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow

My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”

Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.

His answer was white. With a question mark.

[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.

[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*

My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.

Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.

🏙👨🏼

it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option

Me: I’d like the French dip

Waiter: Au jus?

Me: No, Catholic

You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.

The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook

7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers

2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014

Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]

my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine

if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up

follow me for more life hacks

I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.

kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job

Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.