Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
Why are there stitch marks on zombies? Who’s giving them medical attention?
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[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
“Steve, Steve, mate, I’ve gone blind, where are you? Seen any bread yet?”
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
No. Still the wrong hole.
Only ONE in each hole!
Ugh. Here! I’ll show you.
-Helping my kid put on a swimsuit.