Why are there stitch marks on zombies? Who’s giving them medical attention?

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Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.


[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]

Me: oh no


[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible


stephen king’s mind:

what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?


“Steve, Steve, mate, I’ve gone blind, where are you? Seen any bread yet?”


The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.


Wrong hole.

No. Still the wrong hole.

Only ONE in each hole!

Ugh. Here! I’ll show you.

-Helping my kid put on a swimsuit.