@andyerikson

Why are there stitch marks on zombies? Who’s giving them medical attention?

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@seamusmckracken

Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.

@AbrasiveGhost

[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]

Me: oh no

@Cpin42

[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible

@fiImsbi

stephen king’s mind:

what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?

@SlenderSherbet

“Steve, Steve, mate, I’ve gone blind, where are you? Seen any bread yet?”

@Kyle_Lippert

The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.

@DumbConfessions

Wrong hole.

No. Still the wrong hole.

Only ONE in each hole!

Ugh. Here! I’ll show you.

-Helping my kid put on a swimsuit.