Why are there stitch marks on zombies? Who’s giving them medical attention?

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There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.


Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.


Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?

*Whirls Around*

Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!



(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)


ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop


My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.


If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.


*notices zipper is down*
*zips it up*
FRIEND: Thanks but next time just tell me and I’ll do it myself


For Halloween I put a empty bowl outside my door with a sign that says

“please take one”

That way it looks like I actually had candy once


I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.