Why are these idiots only giving robots two arms?
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This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
Is this a threat?
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet