“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
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This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
Years ago, my mate had his car broken into. Luckily they didn’t steal it and also didn’t take any of his CD’s. He has appalling taste in music and we told everyone they left him some CD’s out of pity..
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
hate the questions they ask you when you go through customs. “do you have any friends in canada” no bro and why are you rubbing it in
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
i guess his teacher was really pissed
Story of my life…..
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
What do you text your spouse?
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it