“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
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19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
In the past, people had to eat lawn clippings and drink boiling water separately. The invention of tea bags was a big time saver.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Brat summer over. Time for Farfalle Fall.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
The $40 delivery fee for my Ben and Jerry’s is steep, but I admit I picked the Lamborghini to impress my neighbors.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered