Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.

I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers

*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*

*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*

Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow

Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song

At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.

My flabber has been gasted.

Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.

~inspirational

[Italian restaurant]

LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”

TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”

I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”

– Hello, RSPCA.
– Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
– I don’t believe you.
– Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.

If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.

Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.

{First Date}

Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.

Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.

Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.

Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.

“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”

You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.

Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.

Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.

I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.

I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out

My therapist told me that constantly fantasising about living off grid in a woodland cottage that doubles as a library that triples as an animal rescue centre, is actually a coping mechanism & a sign of exhaustion.

To which I say, well imaginary you is no longer invited

Still my favorite headline of all time:

[On phone with circus]

Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”

Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”

Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”

Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”

Hannibal: *hangs up

My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.

If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.

Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.

spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower

The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.

angel: whatcha making?

god: *sharpening a fly* bee

NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?