“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
You Might Also Like
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.