why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
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Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
Make new friends? bro out of what?
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
What do you call Winnie the pooh’s grandma? PoohNani 🤣
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
You know the hurricane is serious when even SpongeBob and Gary are evacuating
Me and my best friend after eating very sour candy
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
Me: Was it good for you?
Her: You’re cleaning up this confetti
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
Me: “When’s your birthday”
Him: “here you go with that zodiac sign stuff”Actually I just wanna check the court websites
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Halifax authorities had to remove a deer from a downtown bar. Proving once and for all that Halifax bouncers don’t check IDs.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN