Why are they called air marshals and not plane clothes policemen
You Might Also Like
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
“What is that the trees outside in the wind?”
– Me in bed, wondering what the sound of my dry crusty feet on my sheets is
i see you kids buying pre-rolled joints and now i understand the pain my grandpa felt when i told him i paid somebody to change my car’s oil
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
Which knight can find anything?
Sir Chengine.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
I don’t get marriage
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
“this is the biggest toilet I’ve ever seen”
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.